We miss you

396137_10151178784227679_1368198497_n

15.02.49 – 26.06.13

Today has been weighing on my mind, the 26th of June.  It is just another day in the year, but for me it is a day of heartache.  As it comes closer it whispers to me and I cry.  My heart races, my palms sweat and I cry.  Anywhere.  I feel as though I am experiencing my grief for the first time and I cannot contain the way it looks to the outside.

I have lived in this world for two years without you. I have carried the weight of your life and Martha with me for two years.  Then as the day drew closer and closer, when it was 3 days since the anniversary of your body leaving this world, I started to break.  I started to think of all the things you have missed, all the times I needed you, all the adventures I wanted to tell you about.  My grief became so powerful at one point I was paralyzed by it.  I wanted to scream at the world that I hate this, I miss you, I love you. I wanted to scream at the world at how unfair this is, how cruel it is.  I wanted to scream like a child until I was breathless and I have nothing left to give. But I don’t, I let my eyes weep, I let my body feel numb and I let my heart break.

Then I see Martha’s grief, and mine is intensified.  She doesn’t know what month it is, what year it is, or what city she is in.  But she knows that you left her world at this time of year. I hold her hand, kiss her head and tell her a million times that I love her and watch in agony as tears stream down her face. She misses you.  She misses you so much I see her slipping further from my reality, begging the Gods to take her closer to yours.  She whimpers as if her body is in pain, but there is nothing and then I realise, she whimpers because you are the moon to her earth and now she is unbalanced.  She has nothing that orbits her, her love, her love that spanned her life is gone and she needs that love to live.  I look at her and her pain vibrates so strongly it touches my skin and I want to wrap her in my warmth in my love, but it is not enough for her, my strong love for her is not enough to heal the pain of losing you.

I close my eyes and pray to the many Gods that may be listening, I pray to the earth, to the stars, to the moon, I pray that Martha my strong unwavering love can help her, even in just the tiniest of ways. I pray that Martha knows I love her, even though sometimes she doesn’t know my name and I pray that my love keeps her smiling just a little bit longer.

And as we lay in bed, her hand holding mine, we share stories of you, Dad, we share our stories of you and I am reminded of your greatness.  And in your greatness I am reminded of my own greatness. For two years I have lived, loved, hurt, hated and been delighted by life. And it is by your greatness Dad, that I am here.

Much love,

Kx

——————————-

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For the existed.”

Maya Angelou

Advertisements

One Comment on “We miss you

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: