We just moved in with friends. Good friends. Great friends. Angels on this earth; and I feel like I am suffocating. I pray, I hope that this will pass quickly.
It’s an interesting thing merging lives together, I was content when I lived in Christchurch, a familiar supportive crew that did their own thing, supported me when I needed it and loved me and Martha unconditionally, I was happy when it was just me and Martha. Although it was a trying time I was able to let Martha and I have some alone time, we were able to fight and cry together. We were able to act like children and dance in the kitchen, sing songs off tune and enjoy each other. But now through my own volition; I feel judged. Watched. Insecure. Sad, but mainly I feel embarrassed.
By no fault of our friends I feel this, it is just the way I am, the way my brain is wired. I feel so exposed in my insecurities and no longer allowed the freedom of how I have solely parented Martha. It is a joint effort. Oh how my heart hurts. All my greatest insecurities about who I am as a person are surfacing, what if this whole time I have been caring wrong? Is this what every carer fears/feels? Is this what society does to us? Turns carers/parents/guardians into insecure creatures of habit?
What has spurred this? I went to the gym at 630am, I ran some errands and then at 845am I came home to find Martha not here. But finding evidence of her alzheimers. The washing basket askew, pictures unwrapped, butter left on the bench. Signs Martha has been here and bored. It is unlike the time when I returned and she was not here, I knew she was with our new friends, but it was still distressing. Usually in my selfishness and need to put myself somewhere near the top of the list I will leave her alone so I can get to the gym (it is good for both of us to spend time alone), let her peek and poke while she has the freedom to do so. We might argue when I get back, but usually I will go around and put things back in place, sigh, curse under my breath and then tell her I love her. Not now. Now I can’t leave her alone without her disturbing others. It is suffocating.
Not only do I have to think about Martha, but my brain and my heart are filled with concern for the comfort of others. We have just moved in and as time passes and as the house settles and as we get to know each other it will get easier, it is still early days. I keep reminding myself of this.
But what if this never happens? What if we never settle? When will things be easy?