I hate you. I hate everything you have done to me. I hate you more for what you have done to Martha. I hate the highs and the lows, this crazy roller coaster ride that you have forced me on. I hate roller coasters. I want to be selfish and live my life in the exact way I want to live it. I hate that you have made another person dependent on me. I never asked for this. If I had wanted that, I would of had a child, and at least reaped the rewards of raising a small human. Instead, Alzheimers, you have left me with hatred for my own Mother. In this state while she tells me I’m stupid and pathetic; I hate her.
How is that fair? This afternoon we held hands and played a game, we talked about our day and shared an ice cream. How can you create such a monster in someone and expect me to just be there? Why would you do this alzheimers? Why would you wish this upon me? Upon anyone?
You have stolen the best of Martha. Left me with this person. We have been enjoying our last three weeks which have been filled with laughs, and cuddles and drugs. Mainly drugs. Three tablets a day standard, four if it’s bad and five if it is starting to get out of control. It is. It’s out of control. Alzheimers you have Martha right now. Consumed her. Consumed me. WHY!? I can hear her talking to you. I can hear her spitting hate at you Alzheimers, spitting hate at me. You are a cruel beast.
When will our suffering end? The magic is getting less and less.. I see the magic fading and as I stared into the eyes of another carer, I saw his magic was mostly gone.
Would death not be better Alzheimers? Better than this? Better than the cruelty that you insist on spreading upon Martha; on Me? Why must you take everything that we have built so hard to retain? Why would you take someones dignity? Pride? Self?
You will not win Alzheimers. I have my memories for now, I have the sweetness of Martha kissing my hand. The pure bliss she experienced as she laid eyes on Shaan just a few days ago. I have my childhood of making pancakes and watching Star Trek curled up beside Martha. I have this and you will not take it from me yet. When you come for me Alzheimers I want the world to know that I will not leave without a fight. That this, writing, capturing is my lasting memory. My magic.
You will not beat me.
I am not yours.