2017 won’t be great..

This time of year thoroughly excites me, the anticipation of a new year, new beginnings, it is a time to create goals, set intentions, and make lists. There is a certain promise that comes with the rising of a new sun attached to a new year. Each year I diligently plan ahead, what do I want to achieve? Who do I want to be? I add the same few things to the list that I have been etched in the resolution hall of fame since the dawn of time, lose weight, save money, drink less, and then I get to think about what else I want from the year. Each year ending with the resolve that the next will be amazing, different, better. I’ve only  had a few amazing years in my time, maybe two that I could say were the best years of my life and whilst I still hold that same anticipation and excitement as we welcome a new year, I know that 2017 won’t be great.

Don’t get me wrong, this year gone, for all intents and purposes was a good year. I launched a new business, I started back at uni, I re-established my life after 2 and a half years of grief and loss, and while I professionally propelled forward, excelling and achieving at every step, my darling Mother did not. She got worse, progressively worse and with each step it got harder, the suffocation of Alzheimer’s gripped us both and we both struggled, Alzheimer’s did not treat us well this year. This is the way it will be until her death, a downward slope of loss and hopelessness, and then I will encounter the grief of death once more. And as I type I think, how can I continue? How can I move forward with this looming over me? The answer is, sometimes I don’t want to, sometimes I cry and scream and shout and hurt, but most times, I don’t have a choice. Neither of us choose this path, and no one would ever want to be on it, but now I as I walk this path with my Mama, I do have a choice, and that choice is to walk with her till the end regardless of how hard it will be.

Of course I would love a better year, I would love a great year! I am planning, mapping, I have many things to look forward to in 2017; study, my flourishing business, holidays, but I hold no hope that the year over all will be great. This you might say is a little pessimistic, and perhaps yes, but I have learnt my lessons. Grief and Alzheimer’s do not make for good years, Alzheimer’s in particular will not treat me kindly this coming year, and it would be ignorant to think so. Alzheimer’s as you know, as I have written about over the past few years is a cruel beast, and with every passing day it seems to lurk in the background, waiting to take its next piece of Martha. It will take from her until she cannot take it any longer, there is no medicine anymore, there is no miracle, and there is no hope.

So I sit here thinking about the year that was and the year that will be, and it is ok that 2017 won’t be great, because, perhaps as we age and become wiser the years no longer need to have that glow. Perhaps they can just be the indicators of things we’ve gathered along the way. Maybe this year I will learn to scream and shout less, perhaps I will learn to heal my heart enough so that the next time it is broken the pain is not so severe or perhaps I will learn to be grateful for the small things, for the small miracles the occur in everyday life.  For now, I can’t say what I will learn, but I look forward to finding out.

Bye to 2016.

Love, K xx

“if you resist it, it’ll be cruel to you, if you let it in, it’ll be magic”

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