Letters to my Mama… part 5
I haven’t written in awhile, everything seemed to plateau, I think the last time I wrote was about three months ago and tonight it seems to be pouring out of me, literally and figuratively.
I miss you, and when reading my last post I wondered if you missed me too, if all you wanted was for someone to bring you water, rub your back and tell you it was going to be ok, because sometimes when I get caught up in the burden of being a caregiver, I forget how hard it must be to have Alzheimer’s. Because whilst I care for you and do everything for you, it must be a very lonely and sad place to live for you, because it is for me too. A while ago I was watching Lilo and Stitch and there is a line from the movie that says
A while ago I was watching Lilo and Stitch and there is a line from the movie that says “what must it be like to have nothing? not even memories to visit in the night” and when I think of that, it breaks my heart, because my mind is so full, at times I feel glutted by thought and yet you have nothing, maybe you do have things, and maybe I am being awfully negative, but it seems to me as though there is not much available to you anymore. A few memories surface every now and then, you smile occasionally, but for the most part, you seem sad and alone, and I am stuck in my sadness and my aloneness over here, and it doesn’t seem fair that we are doing this separately, together.
I miss you, Mama, looking back at photos of the past is the worst, seeing you how you were, seeing who you were because that life seems so far away, even just six months ago seems as though it was a lifetime ago. I saw photos of you and me from our trip to New York, it was such a different time, you had just started having your delusions but you were still my Mum, and I miss you. I miss that. I miss us. And part of me feels burdened by this caregiver role, but the bigger part of me doesn’t want to lose you, in any capacity, not by you going into a home, and not by death. It feels messy at the moment, I miss like I am a mess, because I miss you, I need you, I need my Mama. I get jealous of other daughters and their Mum’s, of the relationships they have, the time they get to spend together, the conversations, the advice they get, they give, the comfort, and it feels so empty to have you here as you, as the woman who sometimes looks like my Mama but can’t communicate with me. It’s a mess Mama, and sometimes I just want you to help me clean it up. I will write again soon, but for now, just know, I love you and everything will be ok.