Letters to my Mama… part 4

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Dear Mama,

This morning your delusions had the best of you, when I came in to say Hi you were so sad. I sat with you and asked you what was wrong, with your beautiful eyes looking up at me, you whispered ‘I think I have to go away.’  I reassured you that you were safe with me, that I loved you, that you could stay here forever. This pleased you, but only for a moment. This disease crept back into your brain and stole the last 30 seconds from you and you were sad again. I kept telling you that you were safe with me, I kept telling you I loved you, those few moments when you knew that are heaven to me.

We started our day, you were distant from me, I missed you. I wanted to hold hands, to tell you secrets but you weren’t interested. Instead you preferred the comfort of your music. You sang with gusto and I smiled at you, you were content.

Our day was filled of ups and downs, sorting, sharing photos of times gone by, smiles, songs and lunch. By the time we started to head home it was mid-afternoon, as we stood next to the car ready to get in you looked as though you wanted to cry and scream.  I came around the side of the car to see what was wrong and you had wet yourself.  I told you it was ok, you were ok and that I loved you. This was the second time it has happened in public and I’m so sorry that it is happening to you. I kissed your forehead and told you it was ok, I got you in the car and you had tears running down your face. I wanted to cry with you, cry at how unfair it is that you have alzheimers. I wanted to reassure you that it was ok, I wanted to hold you and make it better for you.

We got home and I undressed you, showered you, you could hardly move or do anything for yourself. Mama, I want you to know that, that’s ok.

I fed you dinner, I held your water to your mouth, I put you into bed and told you I loved you.

Mama, I will always be here for you. I love you.

K x

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