Letters to my Mama… part 1

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Hi Mama,

Firstly I wanted to tell you that I love you. I love you so much it often brings tears to my eyes just thinking about you.  Of everything you have done for me and everything you do for me.  But also for the sadness.  For your sadness as I watch and listen now at how frustrating life is for you.  How frustrated you are to be trapped within a moment that you cannot escape.  I love you because each day you wake up and you relive your nightmare over and over.  It is seemingly endless until the moment your medication kicks in at night and you fall asleep.  Drug induced sleep and for at least 3 hours you have reprieve from your nightmares.  Mama, I hope that when you sleep, you sleep sweetly, you dream of the way things were.  You dream of dancing with your husband on your wedding day. Mama, I love you.

I want to write and write to you and so I will, I want to write a million things and tell you about my life.  Mama, I think I’m doing a good job.  Sometimes it’s hard, this morning it was hard while you were telling me to shut up and I just wanted to disappear into the monotony of the world.  But in one moment it looked like you knew me and I clutched at that. Mama, I can’t say it enough but I love you. I love you.

When I dropped you off this morning I had bought a change of clothes for you, you didn’t want to get out of your PJ’s, but once we got to the group you realized you couldn’t go in in your pajamas.  So I led you through the house and helped you get changed.  You stood as if unable to move and as I bent down to pull your pants on you rested your hand on my back for balance.  I have missed your touch Mama.  I so miss you and everything that we shared.

But I took that moment for us, I took it to remind myself you are still my Mum.  Because now we don’t get days any longer, we only have mere moments where we know each other.  So I have to hold onto those moments before they become so far and few between that I do not recognize them any longer.

I will write again soon Mama, I promise.

Don’t forget, I love you.

Kyrin x

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