Ramblings of redundancy…
I received an interesting email today that arose many mixed emotions, first I was non-phased, ah yes just added to the email list like every other joe-blogs but as I opened up the email to read it’s contents I noticed it was only addressed to three individuals, I lucky enough to be one of three. My second wave of emotions set in, confusion; why me? Why am I lumped in? Why am I getting this? Then came acceptance and grace, that is very generous for the author of this email to spend time out of there undoubtedly busy day to write to me personally. I cast my eyes over the email ready to push delete and then I saw this line..
…I wish you all well and hope that you can see your way clear to putting any previous friction between adults aside, and come along to support the kids…
I made the noise, huh… out loud as if someone could react. My brain started to search itself, what does this mean? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? My very intellectual logical brain was drawing blanks.
And then as I sat back, pushed delete and thought about it, I sat amused at how far I had come, and how easy it would be to fall back. For the past three months I have wanted to write this post, I have started, restarted, deleted, edited, trashed and left blank and today I sit, able to write.
Four months ago I lost my job. To save face I say redundancy when in fact I was fired/terminated. Called into a cold office one morning to ‘catch up’ and told in no uncertain terms that I was no longer required. Thank you for everything I had done but I was no longer the direction the organisation was going in. It filled me with anger. If you know me then you will not I don’t act on anger very often, I find it hard, my size whilst in general it would be something that adds to anger inhibits me from exploring it properly. So instead of acting out, I acted upon myself. I drank, I drugged, I cried, I asked death to come for me more than once. I felt humiliated, trapped, lonely and after everything I had given for the last four years I felt as thought I was being thrown under the bus with one hard push. By many participants of the organisation I was to blame for so much that was not going right and to counter that by many I was still highly regarded. Unfortunately as humans do we don’t often seek to pursue only the positive but in fact focus solely on the negative. So through chinese whispers I got the pleasure of snippets like “it’s so much better without Kyrin,” “she was so terrible at her job” and in all honesty, it destroyed me. It broke my heart. It broke me.
So after a time of grieving and mourning, a time of unrest where many lovely things were said as well as many deeply hurtful things were shared with me. I got over it. I just simply let it go. ‘Fuck them’ I thought. Until recently. The last few days have been filled with teasers of a past life, taunting me, calling me back into its whimsy. I tell myself, stay strong, stay proud. Look at far you have come. I soothed my soul and listened to my heart, filling my mind with only kindness for myself and then I listened.
I searched my brain for the answers of what I thought this meant .. I wish you all well and hope that you can see your way clear to putting any previous friction between adults aside, and come along to support the kids… And when I truly listened to my heart I only found light, love and laughter. Light for myself because I am in a wonderful position of movement and flexibility with my life. Love for all the wonderful young people I had the pleasure of knowing and continue to know and watch blossom and I laughed because I thought if you need to write that then maybe you yourself haven’t seen your way clear.
So no, I will not be attending the opening night. I simply don’t want to. I will, in my own time make my way through the gallery of Studio One and admire the work of my young people. I will walk with my shoulders held high and think of all the work that is not displayed by the young people who are still intertwined in my life. I will walk and think of how wonderful life is. And I hope that if you read this, if you really read this, I hope you know my life is wonderful.