Fear of the unknown
So I have done a bit of writing over the past few days and have published it to the blog, but not posted it up on Facebook. Fear is what is holding me back. Fear of judgement. What I don’t want is for you to think that it is like this all the time or that I am impacted so severely all the time. I use writing as a tool to heal on my darkest days but most of the time I spend in the light.
In regards to my latest post, I understand that the words were said as a joke and it is my responsibility to say something straight away like, that’s not a funny joke, however I ask that you please be careful with your words. Sometimes something you say may sound like a joke but actually it is not. For me personally as I head further into my depression my ego becomes stronger and words do affect me in huge ways. What I want you to understand is that three words such as ‘She hates you’ are not the maker of me or the demise further into depression, what the words that people speak do, is push me in different directions. Unfortunately the words ‘She hates you’ pushed me into my own insecurities and dark thoughts about myself.
A little context. Martha no longer communicates with me. She can still communicate. Listening to her answer questions and talk happily to someone brings about feelings of jealousy and hatred. It also brings about the feeling that Martha actively chooses not to communicate with me. (I do actually know that this isn’t true) My ego can easily turn Martha not communicating with me into “She hates you.” A little more context. The life I lead now is not the path I thought I would be leading, at some moments in time I hate Martha. Not a day goes by where I do not resent this situation. During this process my ego can easily turn my own anger and frustration into this. “Well you hate her, so she MUST hate you.”
As I move forward in my mind through this year I already know I will spend many more days in the darkness and really need to be kind to myself to heal my never ending wounds. I know that a lot of you will think that the best solution is for Martha to go into full time care. This is not the path I want to take right now.
Last year whilst Martha was in a respite facility in Christchurch I over heard a paid carer call a woman who suffers from dementia ‘a little bitch,’ this was one of the better facilities in Christchurch (I made a complaint straight away). If this is happening in the middle of the day with people from the outside there I would hate to see the level of care provided in the middle of the night when you have 3+ dementia sufferers with incontinence and sleep issues. The horror stories of rest homes far out weigh my own insecurities to currently care for Martha. I will however access respite for sanity reasons.
I do not know for certain what the future brings. This year regardless will be a tough year. It will also be a year of many great success and highlights. I will inevitably lose more of Martha as alzheimers takes more of her brain. We will also share moments of pure joy.
I have not lost hope, but I have also not lost fear.
“If you resist it, it’ll be cruel to you, if you let it in, it’ll be magic!”