I’ve been going through some stuff, some psychological challenges, physical challenges, realisations and realities and have allowed life to get on top. It isn’t all bad, I have recently launched a new charity, a new business with a friend, and a new business importing crystals to NZ. I am at uni studying counseling and feeling challenged by my peers. I have good relationships, sisterhood friendships, I have good sex and late night chats, I eat well, too well, I have a PT who pushes me, I smile, I joke, I laugh, I care, I love, and yet, It is so lonely being a caregiver and recently more lonely than usual. An only child is a hard thing to be when your parent becomes dependent on you. I do the best that I can and after three years I think I have found the balance of lifestyle and managing martha that I so desperately need.
For the most everything about caring for martha is manageable, it is expensive and sometimes this takes its toll. I need to learn to manage my money a lot better, but part of caring for myself is going out so finding that balance has been difficult.
I rely on friends too much, I often worry myself with how appropriate it is to bring martha to events or outings with me. I often don’t have a choice, or lack of organisation has meant I must bring her. I think I could just stay home, not go out, but I know if I isolated myself any further it would spell disaster. It puts me in a tough position. My friends, my few friends who I rely on entirely too much are all I have. I pay people to care for Martha. I get some funding to do that, but nothing near what it costs. I have no family help and it frustrates me, no brothers or sisters, my closest cousin lives an ocean away and I feel isolated from the family I do have in Auckland. I feel isolated.
I sit down and start typing, as I type I pray, I pray to Martha’s spirit, to her soul. I ask for her comfort and love, I tell her I’m sorry that I have isolated us, I haven’t meant to. I tell her how hurt and mournful I am about losing dad, how hard it is, every day. I tell her I am sorry she doesn’t see her family more, but that I can’t communicate with them, I was never really one of them and even more I feel further from her family than I ever have, I tell her how I feel and how hurt my heart is. That I am still holding so much anger from when Dad died. I tell her spirit that I don’t know if I can let it go. I know that family is important, but I think for now Martha, that family is just you and me.
I let my mind wander. I repeat the words just you and me, they break me. It’s just you and me and the sheer horror that one day it will just be Me starts to sink in, again. Please don’t leave me Mama. You are already so far away from me, don’t go any further.