It has been a while since I have written, I have a lot of half written pieces of prose. I have been dealing with my own depression this year, as I move forward in my life with my study and career, Martha’s life is really slowing right down. I have had a hard time coming to terms with that. As I have said many times before I know the outcome of our situation, one day Martha will no longer be in my life (in physical form) and now as we almost complete our 5th year in this role reversal it seems even more unimaginable how I will continue to move forward without her.
But this post is not about that, I wanted to share some updates with you on Martha’s progress. While I may going through my own depression, Martha continues to thrive in her happiness. In our nearly five years together as caregiver/cared for this is probably one of the consistently happiest times of her life. Her smile lights up a room, her hugs connect you with the spirit, her comfort soothes the soul, her compassion and empathy heal. She is truly filled with Love, and all she has to offer is Love, sometimes I feel so undeserving of her Love as I force her to shower, or eat something she does not like. She has no capacity to hold a grudge, to want revenge, she is always present with me.
On an external level of progress, her Doctor’s are really happy with the way she has progressed. While she has lost a lot of her speech and isn’t able to have a conversation, she still understands and recognises people, is no longer having delusions and hallucinations and really has no other health concerns. She like a lot of 70-year-olds is slowing down as a part of ageing but otherwise, she is healthy (that we know of).
One of the trickier aspects of Alzheimer’s has been the medical stuff. Finding out the underlying cause of infection is not as simple anymore, and I have had to find my voice when it comes to advocating with Martha. How do you give consent for someone who doesn’t know what is happening? Will this procedure improve their quality of life? About 18 months ago we had a situation where her blood tests continued to show abnormalities, we were told she potentially has cancer. After much consideration, I decided not to proceed with any further testing because… what would be the point? The Alzheimer’s would not improve and possibly be made worse by the invasiveness of testing, and how would it affect the care I am able to give? Here we are now, her health has not decreased, she is not suffering, she is happy.
She is happy, and we are happy. A few years back I think I enjoyed the
pity sympathy that others would offer, I would get a lot of “you’re so young to be a caregiver..” “I’m sorry this is happening for you..” However, over the past few years, I no longer view it as that and feel a sense of anger when people offer me their sympathy. Don’t feel sorry for us, yes, Alzheimer’s does suck ((it’s the fucking worst)) but it has also afforded us many wonderful opportunities that we otherwise wouldn’t have had. But I will save this for another day!
As always, sending out so much Love from Me, Martha and Alzheimers xx
“If you resist it, it’ll be cruel to you, if you let it in, it’ll be magic”
P.S – I am hoping to get back into writing again! So keep watching xx
Thanks so much Kiryn
I love your expressive words. I thought ‘yes thats how my Chris is also.’ Still trying to care for others, no words if she had any animosity or regrets, and I am always greeted with delight.