Mama, I miss you..
It has been a long time since I put fingers to keyboard in an attempt to write a blog post. It has felt as if I have gone through a war, an emotional war, both sides of my brain at war with my heart. Processing emotions is hard, I don’t know if it is hard for everyone but for myself, I have found it extremely difficult. Feelings of extreme loneliness, even when I am in the company of people, plague me. When I sit with Martha, I feel a profound loneliness, not because I am physically lonely, or even emotionally lonely, I have people I can reach out to, but because I miss my Mum. I miss my pre-alzheimers Mum.
I live in a world, where I am a Mother to my Mother and yet I don’t feel Motherly a lot of the time. It hits me the most when I am in need of a Mum, when I feel sick, sad, if I have had my feelings hurt, if I feel low and I need a Mum, I don’t have one. I know that many people don’t have mothers, and possibly I should just be grateful that mine is still with me in some form, but sometimes I just feel tired of being my own family.
Feelings of anger and frustration as I feel abandoned by my parents. What was once a family unit, disintegrated over night, and whilst I continue to work through the grief of losing my Dad, I have only just started to work through the grief of losing my Mum, while she sits in front of me.
The frustration of things such as getting my Mum to eat sometimes becomes too much, we can barely get through a meal these days. When I know she can feed herself I still have to tell her to eat almost every bite. I can’t eat a meal myself without stressing out, freaking out. I want to yell at her, scream at her “eat your fucking food” but I don’t. At desperate times I spoon feed her, and we both hate it. I feed her fast and furiously, soft foods like yoghurt or porridge, so I know she has had at least something. My head screams, I am not your Mother, I am not your Mother. I ensure she goes to the bathroom, I make sure she flushes the toilet, washes her hands, I put her to bed, tell her stories, I care for my Mother, and some days, it breaks my heart.