I am not alone, but I am lonely…
I am desperate to be alone. To be undisturbed by the world. To sit alone and breathe without interference from the outside. The desperation is physical, aching heart, sweaty palms, teary eyes, I want to be alone. The most time I spend truly alone is the time I spend in my car driving to and from appointments. Radio off, windows up, air-con on. Even then I am not alone. I can hear the ding of my phone as I receive a message. I should’ve turned it on silent, next time, I think. The next time I will. I grab my phone, why are you interrupting my alone time? Ah my boss; if I don’t respond that I received the message she will send another text soon to remind me I need to respond that I have received her message. “Received, will do” I reply. Why am I letting my time be interrupted? Turn the damn phone off.
I stop, park, ready for my next appointment, my days are just a series of meetings, driving, more meetings, gym sessions and being a carer. I flick through messages, then onto Facebook, instagram and twitter. I am not alone, but I am lonely. I shove the phone in my bag and get out. Put on a smile, I am somewhere. Each place has the same traits. Senseless conversation, the stench of hard work or is it boredom? It is hard to tell, I am not alone. Physically I am surrounded. Suffocating, and yet I am so lonely I think my heart has gone cold.
I make it through another day in a job I have stopped enjoying. Survival has kicked in and it is now a task to work.
I make it home. One foot in front of the other. This is a nice house, nice enough. Hard wood floors, big kitchen, nice rooms, good area. All the things you want in a house. Martha enjoys it, everyday I wonder how long this illusion will last.
There is a hum, music plays. I greet my flatmates. Then Martha.
“Hi Martha’
‘Hi’ she doesn’t even look up.
I ask how her day was, she speaks and our exchange is done. I haven’t been able to get what she wants for dinner from her so I just guess. Fish maybe, stir fry, who know’s, does it matter? She sits there, and I desperately want to be alone. She says nothing, does nothing, does not even move but I sense her.
“Martha, hang out the washing!” I say it with force to try stir her
“mmmmm” she replies
She does not move and I hang the washing out. I want to tell her, I want to be alone, but now I am responsible, her alzheimers affected brain will interpret that as “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE,” and she will leave, I have already learnt my lesson on that one. I want to say, Martha I am just heading out, I will be back soon. Fear stops me. If I leave I may come back to an empty house. If I leave her here with my flatmates will it look like I am taking advantage? I sit in my room, feeling trapped and lonely. She pushes the door open, I look at her, she walks back to the couch not shutting the door. I pray to whomever may be listening, please please I just want to be alone. I am so tired of being responsible. Tears start to roll down my face.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow must be better.
KB x
“If you resist it it’ll be cruel to you, if you let it in, it’ll be magic!”
Me, Martha and Alzheimer's 