My part one… (talking about depression)

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Tonight I got to hang out with an amazing group of human beings, every Monday and Tuesday I am fortunate enough to spend my time with the Nga Rangatahi Toa crew guiding them through a gathering of knowledge, learning and creation process.  It has been one of the most intense/interesting/challenging three weeks I have experienced in a while. Unfortunately I am finding it a real struggle to stay positive, this is no reflection on the kaupapa of the work or for lack of want, but my chemically imbalanced depression diagnosed brain is not managing that well.

I find myself in a very confusing situation, after 7 months of focusing on me and Martha I have rejoined the work force full time, currently I feel as though I am balancing on the edge of huge highs and deep lows, and the tiniest nudge can push me in one direction or another.  Tonight for example we had an amazing time at Nga Rangatahi Toa, we are working with rangatahi that are really absorbing the knowledge of our peoples, our community and what it means to be part of a community and it warms my heart.  The mentors and I debrief at the end of each session and I always gain so much from them and there insights into the world of our young people.  When I first got to the Art Station at 2pm I was at a real low point, it was a real struggle and I was questioning everything I was doing, by the time the session ended I was on a high.  A successful session, great feedback and all around good vibes.  Long may it continue I hoped, I felt grateful for the opportunity of having this job so I could be around a collective healing power.  Unfortunately for me, this did not last.  My brain started to play tricks on me, from the time it took to leave our work space to the time I stepped into my front door, I was at a low again.  And this low fed into every self deprecating feeling I have.  For those of you who know what it is like to suffer from low self esteem, these lows are one of the worst.  I use my support networks to try and climb myself back up, I unpack the situation of how I got to this low, I sit down and start the cathartic process of writing which helps me put things in perspective.

I attempt to write a few times, I add titles “Balancing the highs and lows” / “Always darker days before brighter ones.” I edit/re-edit/delete.  I let my brain settle and sink into my emotion that I am furiously trying to push away.

I feel like shit.  I want to cry.  I want to hide.  I want to drink/smoke/eat/run/escape.  I can’t get a grasp of what I want.  I don’t want to feel all these feelings.  Which is followed by the rational part of me that says – YES, I am ok.  And YES, I will make it through.  And YES, I am doing a really awesome job at being an awesome human being.  And YES, sometimes life is shit, but I have gotten through much worse and I can get through this.

I remind myself that I have a lot going on at the moment.

I remind myself that this blog, this writing process, this is healing, making myself completely vulnerable to my world, is growing and developing me as a human.

I remind myself that you, all of you, my people, fill me with love and hope and thankfulness every day.

I remind myself to love.

KB x

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 If you resist it, it’ll be cruel to you, if you let it in, it’ll be magic!

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