Recently I wrote the post “A lot changes in three short weeks” this was about my shock at how much had changed and what had changed for Martha. These past three weeks that I have spent with her have been equally as hard as my initial shock.
Martha constantly talks, and for those of you who have spent any time with her recently you will know what this is like. It is a constant conversation with someone else, that is now driving us a little mental. She can talk all day and into the night. On a bad night I will get an hours solid sleep at a time, and most likely no more than four hours sleep in total, and for Martha she may not get any. Last night at 2am I made her get up, go into the lounge and finish her conversation before she even thought about getting back into bed. An hour later she appeared and the chit chat had stopped. She slept a few more solid hours before the talking started again. I want to scream at the world, who is occupying her mind!!!!!! GIVE HER BACK!
She talks about this person and that person and this place and that but none of it correlates to any truth.
It is becoming increasingly difficult for us and I am constantly thinking, what next? Is this it? Is our time up? But then she will have a day, or a night, or just a flickering of a moment where it all stops and we can talk, and laugh, and dance, and smile and then all is right in the world again. I cherish these moments like they are the rarest form of life on earth, they are what keep me going long after they have disappeared. I’ve become more efficient at documenting these moments, part of me thinks I should just be enjoying them for what they are, and the other part of me needs these snippets so I can look back in time and remind myself of how good life can be.
There is no denying the journey of Alzheimer’s is hard, for Mum I can see her frustration and yesterday she was desperate for the voices inside her head to stop, at one point tears gathered as she pleaded with the voices to “please be quiet, please shut up.” All I can do is rub her arm and tell her I love her, reassure her and myself that we are ok.
I am learning so much about myself and am so grateful to all the wonderful people we have in our lives, all the snippets of information that I receive from you all are amazingly helpful. Every day I learn something new from my community and every day we are reassured that we are supported and loved.
Love you Ma x
If you resist it, it’ll be cruel to you, if you let it in, it’ll be magic!